Defining our children…
Defining our children…
How many times have you heard a parent define/describe their child – oh Ben is afraid of birthday parties, Helen only wears yellow dresses, Lily is very energetic, Chloe is really shy and worries about everything. Seb only eats pasta and rice.
We have a habit to make definitive statements about our children, we discuss their behaviour in absolutes. It is said so often that we don’t always check to see who is listening. It may be your child or it may be another adult who will then repeat that statement to their child, a friend or classmate and so on. The child is then defined by that absolute statement.
Children are figuring themselves out, they are interacting with the world around them, learning about people, families, class mates, teachers. They are open and listening and interactive with their communities. They don’t think in absolutes but the grown-ups do.
If you hear enough – oh my daughter is anxious, oh my son doesn’t eat fruit, John is really good at maths but a terrible speller, then you believe it and live up to that description. Now it may be true that the boy doesn’t like fruit…. right now, and the upcoming school trip might be making your daughter feel anxious right now but they are not to be defined by this.
Not every child but so many children live up to their definitive descriptions – they get stuck in that descriptors, making a big deal out of changing from their definition – if I now decide I don’t like yellow dresses or I like fruit then who I am now. Some children can feel like they need to stay in that descriptor and the cycle continues – the picky eaters stay picky eaters, the anxious child becomes increasingly anxious, the bubbly chatty feels like they can never have a quiet day….
It is so easy to fall into a trap of describing a child, ‘excusing or explaining’ their behaviour in front of teachers, friends, grandparents… the cycle begins. So, what can you say instead – instead of – oh right now John is really liking his maths lessons and he is working hard on tricky spellings. My son doesn’t really like apples right now but maybe one day and he is learning to try new things….
Leaving the idea of change and the potential for new learning and experiencing to be available to the child.
No stress if you as a parent has already defined your child by something or fallen into that trap on occasion – nothing is permanent and we can shape our learning and language and open our child to more possibilities and ideas.